Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
