New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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