and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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