I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
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