we made out on top of his cat.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
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