my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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