who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
It's official drugs can't kill me
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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