We named our party play list daddy issues
Banned from zoo.
Again?
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
