Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
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