When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
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