I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
it's like heaven, but drunker
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
