Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
