he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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