I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Randomize
