he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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