it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
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