Dual....:-)
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I'm thinking we should try to start remembering stuff we do. Althought I kinda like feeling like Nancy Drew the next morning.
More like the Hardy Boys cause its kinda like a team effort.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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