I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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