Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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