grandma shit on top of the toilet
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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