This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
