I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
