at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Randomize
