her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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