I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Randomize