I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
