Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Randomize
