that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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