remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
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