Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
