It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
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