Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
