come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
