Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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