When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
