did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Randomize
