you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Randomize
