Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
