Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
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