Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
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