I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Randomize