This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Randomize
