Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I feel like a drive thru vagina
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Randomize
