I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Randomize
