i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
