i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
