i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
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