tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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