She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
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