I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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