I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
