my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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