one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Randomize
