Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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