I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
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