I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
