do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
He passed out mid-signature
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
