i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
