Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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