Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Randomize
