good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Randomize