the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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