I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
