We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
