I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
