Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
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