I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
