you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
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