Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
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