sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize