Four minutes until I can fart!
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Randomize
