I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
